I'm not brave enough to buy a vibrator. Thank goodness a very wise friend gave me a simple vibrator for my 26th birthday. WOW! It only took about 30 seconds before I was in heaven. -Jill

In my business we like to joke that sex toys really are the gifts that keep on giving. When you give someone the gift of sexual pleasure, you give something that lasts a lifetime. Your girlfriend might learn to orgasm from a new vibrator, a boyfriend might find a cock ring brings him self-confidence, or a couple might discover new erogenous zones with a bottle of massage oil.

But giving sex toys as gifts isn't as easy as handing over a box of chocolates or a lovely new pair of earrings. It's risky, it's naughty, and it's intimate. But those are precisely the things that make it a memorable, and thoughtful, gift. When you forego the necktie or the flannel PJs in favor of the sex toy, you're putting yourself on the line. You risk embarrassment and possible rejection, but when you meet with success, well, that really is its own reward (and perhaps yours too!). Sure, sex toys are not for everyone, but if you put a little thought into your selection, you might be surprised at how many people would appreciate the gesture. Here are a few tips to ensure that your gift goes over in a positive way.

Pave the Way
It's usually not a good idea to spring a sex toy on someone who has no idea what they are or what they're for. Instead of receiving a big thank you kiss, you might be fielding defensive questions like "Aren't I good enough?" or "What do I need this thing for?" Do a little field research beforehand. Bring sex toys up as a topic of conversation. With a partner, talk about toys you've each wanted to try, or just look at a catalog or website to get some ideas. Alternatively, you can talk about sexual activities you'd like to try (erotic massage, anal sex, role-playing), and then surprise your lover with a toy that'll help accomplish that goal.

If you're thinking about a toy for someone other than an intimate partner (a sibling, friend, in-law, etc.), it will all depend on comfort level and how much you know about them. Perhaps your friend has expressed frustration with her inability to orgasm, so you treat her to a vibrator. Perhaps a guy friend is disappointed with the condoms he buys, so you present him with a basket full of different brands, along with some lube. Perhaps you in-laws are going away on a romantic weekend and might appreciate an erotic sampler care package. And remember, some occasions are made for sex toys. Wedding showers are the perfect excuse for sex toys. Newlyweds are often sexually adventurous, and depending on the recipients' level of sexual sophistication, your gift might help make the honeymoon! I also think baby showers are good excuses for sex toys, for both parents. Mom might appreciate a vibrator to help her orgasm, and dad might like some masturbation toys in the likely event their sex life hits a dry spell.

Accept the Embarrassment Factor
Let's just admit it-it's difficult to unwrap a dildo, a cock ring or a vibrator without a little color rising to your cheeks. Ours is not a culture that seamlessly integrates sex into the rest of our lives, so there's bound to be some embarrassment on both sides over such an intimate gesture. Accept that this will probably be the case. However, you can do a few things to lessen the awkwardness:
· Work on your presentation. If the toy arrived in obnoxious packaging (big-boobed naked porn stars appear on lots of adult packaging), take it out and repackage it in something more tasteful. A velvet bag or decorative box are classy and make storage easy.

· Timing is everything. Obviously, you don't want your partner to open his or her toy while the kids are tearing into theirs on Christmas day. (I can just imagine, "mommy, what's that for?") Wait for a private moment when you can present your gift without any observers. If you're giving a sex toy to a friend, include a note on the card that says, "open in private," or have your friend open it when the two of you are alone together.

· Express yourself. A card expressing your love and admiration for the recipient is always a good idea. You might include a sexy poem, or your own thoughts on what you'd like to do with this new toy.

· Humor helps. I'm not talking about sophomoric jokes about sex (a very common way for people to mask their discomfort), but a more playful approach. At Christmas fill a stocking with toys--condoms, lube, anal beads, cock rings, and small vibrators make a nice little package, or explain that your gift is for being "naughty instead of nice." At Valentine's day, string cupid's arrow with a sex toy, or celebrate an anniversary with champagne, caviar, and a platter of sex toys.

Remember, It's Returnable
My family likes to accompany every gift with the message, "remember, it's returnable." Most people don't assume this is true with sex toys, but almost all companies will take toys back within a certain time frame. So if your gift wasn't the right size, speed, color, or was just totally off target, return it. Hopefully the recipient will be intrigued enough to exchange it for something else, and your gift will still be a hit.
Giving and Receiving
If you're buying a toy for partner play, make sure your partner is a willing participant, otherwise you run the risk of making him or her feel inadequate or insecure if you whip out a new toy in the heat of passion. Be prepared to talk about your ideas, expectations, and fantasies in a positive, enthusiastic way (see the Maximizing Pleasure chapter for more on this). It also helps to keep your expectations in check. Remember the adage, "You can't please all the people all the time"? It's especially true of sex toys-just because a toy works for you, your ex, or the porn star in your favorite video, doesn't mean it'll turn on your partner. Whether or not they live up to your expectations, sharing sex toys with partners is a great way to communicate about your sexual needs, to explore new erotic terrain together, and to just have a good laugh. So the next time you're looking for just the right gift to express your affection for that special someone, choose a sex toy, and the message will be loud and clear!
Sexy Gift Suggestions
Now that you've gotten up the nerve to give a sex toy, where to begin? How do you choose the ideal toy as a gift? If you're using one that you're happy with, that's always a great place to start. You're in the perfect position to offer expert advice and instruction on how to play with the toy and your friend can always say, "Well, if she's (or he's) got one, there must be something special about it." Barring that, there are few types of toys that make great gifts, and you can choose depending on what suits the occasion, your taste and your budget. Here are a few suggestions for toys to celebrate special occasions.

· Coil vibrators. This is a somewhat technical name for the electric vibrators that look a little like hand-held mixers. They've got a small knob on one end that vibrates vigorously and accommodates a variety of attachments, which usually come packaged with the vibrator. I have given this type of vibrator away at showers, birthdays, and even mother's day, because it's my favorite gift for first-timers. The vibrator is non-threatening since it's small and looks like an everyday appliance, the packaging is innocuous since it's marketed as a "massager," and when turned on, the vibrator is virtually silent, an added bonus for those living with roommates or in-laws. Plus-just like those appliances from "the olden days"-these babies last for years. Attachments for clitoral, anal or penile stimulation are sold separately.

· Cylindrical-style vibes. If you want an elegant, but not too expensive vibrator that can be used both clitorally or vaginally, this is your best bet. When people think of vibrators, they usually picture something that looks like this toy-it's cylindrical and plastic, has an adjustable speed control at the bottom and usually runs on AA or C batteries. They're inexpensive and come in every color of the rainbow, so you can choose one to match the color of your girlfriend's eyes, or even her favorite pair of shoes. The drawbacks: the vibrations aren't as strong as an electric vibrator (which is ok if you don't need real strong stimulation), they're a little noisy, and they don't last as long as electric vibrators.

· Discreet Vibes. These are toys you truly could give out in public without anybody turning red. And those in the know will heartily approve. Toys shaped like lipstick, kids's toys, and pens make great party favors at showers.

· Cock Rings. When you're looking for an original gift for the man in your life, consider a cock ring. You can try on the sexy teddy while he straps on a black leather penis ring, and then let the sparks fly. The cock rings with vibrating clitoral attachments are fun couple's toys, so they go over big with newlyweds, or as an exotic anniversary gift from one partner to another.

· Fun kits. With several products packaged together on a certain theme (find your G spot, explore power play, get started with strap on sex), kits save you the hassle of assembling all the parts yourself. Ideal partner gifts, kits can help you explore a new sexual activity with relative ease. They're usually as much for to give as receive-take the Make Your Own Dildo kit, for example! This holiday season, Libida.com offers a selection of pre-wrapped gift kits worth checking out.

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Anne Semans is the co-author of The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex
copyright 2003. Anne Semans