Dear Ask a Man,

Dear ask a man, I recently discovered that my boyfriend, of a year and a half, has quite the porn collection on his computer and I don't really like it. I can see myself marrying him, but I don't want to marry someone that has a porn collection, primarily because I wouldn't want it around if we had children and because I find it unnecessary if you're in a secure relationship and have a very healthy sex life. Is there a way I can ruin porn for him or get him to stop?
Thank you, - Frustrated



Hi,

I don't think anyone should ever go into a relationship with the goal of changing someone. If your man enjoys having sex with you, and your both content in your relationship aside from the porn, then I think a compromise on both your parts would be to have him not collect it, but still be allowed to view it as much as he wants in a manner that would be completely private and away from the prying eyes and clicks of kids.

If porn doesn't effect his every day life, I'd say back off somewhat and look for happy middle-ground lest you cause resentment and find an even larger porn stash somewhere else. Remember, people for the most part hate being told that they can't do something. And if they change that for someone else - resentment will inevitably settle in.
Simon, 20 Something...

Pornography can be an addiction. You should talk with your boyfriend and try to discover if this is the case. Pornography can also be healthy for a relationship but its up to you to determine which it is. After speaking with him it is possible you could agree to only experience porn together and it may help you expand your relationship.
Scott, 30 Something...


Well, aside from the future fear of having your kids discover his collection of sex DVDs and internet collections, my advice is not to fear having your partner enjoying "porn". I've seen this destroy a lot of relationships over the years, most of the time in vain. A lot of men like porn. In the same way they like football. It is simply entertainment and in no way competes with you as a live, human partner. It's a flash in the pan. He watches it in the late hours of the night when you are sleeping as simple entertainment. The big problem comes in when you demand that he stop doing it, entering the realm of "controlling behavior" that he most likely WILL react to in a negative way. Let it go. Porn and Monday Night Football are guy's things that they enjoy and for the most part do not pose any threat to you at all. Protesting will though. I promise that.
Jack, 40 Something...

Hi Frustrated, Your concern about children and pornography is a very real and serious concern and has to be addressed. However with that said, Many, many couples have not only pornographic material in their house but also sex toys and other paraphernalia. You just have to be responsible about it, that's why they call us "adults". As for your boyfriend, your sex life and relationship security has nothing to do with the adult material he is viewing. Men are very visual creatures. My girlfriend always told me "I would rather you look at pictures in a magazine or watch a DVD then go out and pick someone up. We, as men do not look at adult material because we feel that our girlfriends / partners are lacking in anyway, we just enjoy it. It's as simple as that. Frustrated, remember men are like boys, if tell them them no, we will probably do it anyway.
Alfred, 50 Something...


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