By "K.J." in Jersey

All names have been changed the protect the privacy of the people mentioned in this story.

I'm only writing this to get it off my chest. Anyway, I was with my boyfriend Sam for about five years when I suddenly found myself feeling unhappy. I felt like I couldn't satisfy him in many ways and that I was never doing anything right. We started fighting more than we were loving. I felt very lonely and was thinking about leaving him.

As the days went by my unhappiness was noticed not by Sam, but by one of our mutual friends, Max. Max has been a friend since grade school and very close to both Sam and me. I've always admired Max's easy going nature and witty sense of humor. With Sam it was more physical attraction and his good looks that got us together.

Anyhow, Max is a good listener and had experienced bad relationships himself so he sympathized with my need to talk about Sam. Then I realized I was venting too much and just started to enjoy hanging out with Max. We went to movies and shopped at the mall -things Sam never really took the time to do with me anymore.

The more time I spent with Max, the more envious I became relating to the girls he would date. I kept comparing him to Sam and started asking myself why didn't I choose someone like Max to love. I felt self-conscious about my feelings for him, but he must have noticed because he started looking at me differently. We started to flirt and hold hands here and there, going places that were more private. We looked forward to being together and things were heating up between us.

The next thing I knew, Max said he loved me and always had since we were young. He told me that he'd never said anything before because of Sam, but he couldn't deny it anymore. I was stunned, but my heart soared! I felt happy to be so loved by Max, who always made me feel so cherished. I knew I wasn't ready to leave Sam, but I was in love with Max and one spring day we ended up in bed together.  I'd like to say it was great, but the truth is that it wasn't. Oh, the sex was fine, but I had never been with anyone except for Sam and having Max touch me seemed completely wrong. I don't know why it took sex for me to realize I belong with Sam, but all I could think was, "What have I done?"  I loved Max, but not like that. I knew I made a terrible mistake and found myself scared of losing Sam.

Later, Max and I talked and cried as we said goodbye. I will always love Max because he helped me find my way home to Sam. I've never been able to tell Sam about Max and me. The three of us hang out together sometimes, but not like before. I go out of my way to avoid being alone with Max. He still looks at me with love in his eyes and I still feel the love in my heart for him.

I look at Sam differently too, knowing I'll never leave him even if he never marries me. I tell myself I got lost once, but I found Sam again. I love two men; one is real and the other will forever be a fantasy.

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