Sociologists think flirting is an integral part of human biology and social culture. But even if we flirt with each other in order to, ultimately, perpetuate the species, we also flirt to find a lover, find a new friend, to flatter someone who looks like they need it, and sometimes just to have fun. Flirting is an almost universal form of social interaction.

Some people flirt because they have no idea how to interact with the opposite sex in any other way! Some women may flirt to see if they can manipulate others, or to reassure themselves that they are attractive, even if they’re not particularly interested in the object of their flirtation.

If you think those last three reasons sound a bit iffy, you’re right! Flirting has rules and etiquette, and doing it effectively and appropriately takes some thought and skill. It’s not about “whoever gets/gives out the most phone numbers, wins!”

Also, we want to make sure we don’t give anyone the wrong impression. Research shows that men are not as adept as women are at reading body language and social cues, so they might tend to mistake friendliness for sexual interest. I am guessing women have from time to time done the same thing, though!

Most of us who have dated in the past have probably become relatively comfortable with our flirting abilities, and maybe have embarrassed ourselves from time to time (or so we think) by flirting with the wrong guy (oops, didn’t know his wife was here!) or at the wrong time (did he just say he is on his way to a funeral?) It is also true that some cultures, such as the USA and the UK, have somewhat puritanical outlooks on sexual behavior and Brits and Americans do harbor some anxiety about causing offence or acting in appropriately in a flirting context.

So this little guide will help sort out all the ins and outs of this pre-dating ritual, and in reading it you’ll learn some ways to feel more confident in your ability to flirt with almost any man!

Give off clear signals.
Remember what I said about men often misinterpreting women’s body language? Make sure are clearly communicating your interest and don’t go too far if you are really not interested in a “hook up” or potential date. Of course, if the guy is obviously a perpetual flirt having fun, you could just be having fun, too. Flirting is a good way to meet people, but maybe you will want to separate more sexual flirting behavior from friendlier, neutral flirting behavior.

Examples of Sexual flirting behavior: whispering in his ear, prolonged eye contact, discussion of sexual topics, touching him in non-neutral areas like the legs, face, hands or chest.
Examples of friendly flirting behavior: playful slaps or touches, laughing at his jokes, smiling, making jokes of your own, touching neutral areas like the shoulder, back or arm.

Give off a positive vibe.
Sometimes the most successful flirts are those who radiate confidence and charisma. They may not necessarily be the most attractive people in the room, but they are definitely the people everyone wants to be around! To become one of these confident women, make sure you work on looking and feeling your best. If you’re going to a social event where there is flirting potential, be sure your clothes, hair, grooming etc. are all taken care of so you’re not the slightest bit self-conscious. Some men find it a turn off if a woman is constantly worrying about her hair or make-up or whatever, so make sure you are pulled together and comfortable.

Confidence does not mean arrogance. A charismatic person also knows how to turn on the charm and this means knowing how to make other people feel good. Remember, in flirting the focus is on him, not on you! Which brings us to…

Compliments
We usually think this is the man’s responsibility, but men secretly love it if women say nice things about their appearance. Luckily for us, this is kind of unexpected so it is not very likely the guy will think it is just a “line.” And women are more sincere about this stuff, anyway. Like his hair? Tell him! Maybe the shirt he is wearing brings out the color of his eyes. Maybe he’s wearing a gorgeous suede jacket (this allows you to touch it and exclaim over how soft it is and how nice the leather is). If you are close enough to him that it won’t seem odd, you can discreetly let him know you like his after-shave or cologne, too, but do it like this: “I hope this doesn’t sound strange but you smell really great. Are you wearing any sort of scent?” Some men are somewhat self-conscious about choosing the right cologne so this will be a nice boost for his ego. Don’t say it if it isn’t true, though! And I am guessing you’re not going to spend too much time with the guy wearing way too much cologne…if he has not figured this out yet he obviously has not had many women in his life…and it will be at least three or four dates down the line before you can mention it to him.

Break the ice.
Wear something unusual or eye-catching that a man might be able to comment on—this gives him a reason to approach you. A bright color, a bold pattern, a cute hat, fresh flowers in your hair, a vintage jacket, rhinestone sandals, any of these might help him strike up a conversation. (No face painting, ferrets or machetes, please) Or maybe he is wearing or holding something unusual that you can comment on. This means you can talk in a neutral way until you can get a better idea of whether he is interested.

Be approachable.
Don’t stick like glue to your girlfriends all night. Mingle and move through the crowd. If you’re in a bar, make eye contact with men on your way to use the ladies’ room or get a drink. At a party, move throughout the place and see who’s there. Don’t be a wallflower but spend a bit of time alone so a man can approach you—if he is shy he may not want to get rejected with a crowd standing there.

Approach!
Why should men always make the first move? Men love it when women approach them first. Maybe make some eye contact before doing so, to see if he seems interested. You take a risk here: maybe the guy will freeze you out or reject you. But since men have to go through this all the time it is only fair that we experience it so we can have pity on them next time and make sure we don’t hurt their feelings unnecessarily. (Yes, men have feelings too!)

Speak clearly but softly.
If the room is loud it’s hard to be heard. We have all had those shouting into the person’s ear conversations but these are not terribly conducive to flirting. See if there is a quiet corner away from the speakers where you can talk. If the night is fair, say you would like to step outside for some air, and ask if he would like to come with you.

Talk about him, not you.
Most people like to talk about themselves—this is hard to balance when getting to know someone. And flirting makes it tricky because you don’t want to come off as boring or overbearing. Ask him what he likes to do or what he thinks of things. If you keep the questions open (for example, instead of asking “what do you do for a living?” ask him “how many of the people in here do you think actually like their jobs?” which will hopefully then lead to your sharing what you both do) you can allow for a more evenly-balanced conversation, instead of just asking for information.

If he asks for your number…
If you want him to call you., give it to him. If you don’t want him to call you, don’t give him a fake number! This is just rude and dishonest. If you’re just not sure about this guy yet, be polite but firm. Say you’d rather not give it out, but let him know if you see him out again you’d like to talk again.