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| Then if the man comes across the room to her, the woman ignores his approach until he is right beside her, even though she knows he is heading straight for her. The man greets the woman, maybe with a polite, neutral "Hi, how's it going?" or maybe with a flirtatious line like "You're the most beautiful woman here so I thought I'd better move quickly." Then the conversation progresses, the two continue to check each other out as indiscreetly as they can, and an internal monologue takes place alongside the out-loud one: "So, I think I've seen you here before." (God, her teeth are so white!) "Yes, I come here after work sometimes." (His shoes are nice–Italian, maybe) "Oh, do you work near here?" (I like her voice, too, kinda like Demi Moore) "Over in the Financial District." (I wonder what he does for a living?) "Oh, so you work in finance, then?" (I wonder what she looks like naked?) "Not exactly, I'm an office manager."(I wonder what he looks like naked?) And so on... Flirtation is a great way for two single people to get to know whether they want to advance to the next level of intimacy. Maybe we're just looking for sex, maybe we want to find someone fun to spend time with, maybe we're looking to fall in love, or get married, even. Maybe we end up finding something we didn't know we were looking for. But what about non-single people who flirt? And what about single people who flirt with those who are already attached? Is this okay? At what point does it become not okay? All of us have experienced this phenomenon: you're in a fairly new relationship that's going extremely well. You like each other, you laugh a lot, you're spending just the right amount of time together, the sex is great, etc. Because you're in the throes of a new passion, your whole body image and energy (your "aura" if you prefer) is noticeable to others. You probably walk down the street with a spring in your step and maybe a secret smile on your face.You wear your sexy underwear every day. You take a little extra care with grooming or maybe get into having "bedroom hair" because your partner finds it sexy. You start to notice that you're turning heads or attracting more attention from the opposite sex than usual. Why? Because you're feeling confident about your sexuality and attractiveness, and there is simply nothing sexier than that. This is one reason for why model-perfect people don't seem to date much, while some average-looking people are constantly surrounded by lovers: it's what's inside that counts, and if you think you're sexy, chances are others will, too. So, is it okay to flirt with others while you're attached? Sure! Especially if you're not initiating it. Flirting can be innocent as long as everyone involved knows that's all it is. If the talk gets to a point where you're feeling antsy (it gets a bit too sexual, for example), you can gently steer the conversation back to more neutral territory. If the flirter/flirtee seems to really want to steer it towards a hook-up, you might have to break it to them that you're not available, but you've enjoyed talking to them. They may appreciate your candor and realize that not all flirtation has to lead to an attempt to get sex. Or, they may think you've been being a tease, but if you haven't been unnecessarily suggestive in your words or gestures, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Of course, some men will think any woman is a tease who doesn't fall at his feet after a few moments of being chatted up. That's his problem, and you can defuse any nastiness by smiling sweetly and being sickeningly polite. Initiating flirtation while you're attached is another matter. Why are you doing it? To assure yourself you're still attractive? You obviously are, if someone wants to be with you, so this isn't a great reason. Because you think this guy is cute and maybe if it doesn't work out with Mr. Who-I'm-Dating-Now, you can start seeing this guy? That seems a bit manipulative and needy of you. The best way to approach this is to tell yourself you're simply curious about meeting a new potential friend, someone you might have something in common with. Sometimes the atmosphere (a bar or a cocktail party, for example) lends itself to more flirtatious conversations than other situations where we also run into strangers (like at a county fair or at the gym).If there seems to be some chemistry there, keep the conversation neutral anyway–this can create some interesting tension and also let you know if this guy is capable of spending some time talking to a woman even if there isn't sex potential (an indication of at least some amount of character, in my opinion). Are You a Predator? We've all known women who seem unable to control themselves from flirting with any seemingly-available man in the room, or even those who aren't available. Men, of course, do this because they're hormonally incapable of controlling themselves much of the time. That's not to say women don't get equally horny, but predatory sexual behavior is interpreted differently when it comes from women. Some men find a very direct, aggressive approach from women exciting and find it hard to say no. By all means, if a man is available and you are, too, there is nothing wrong with coming on strong once in a while; say you've just started talking to a man at a party and the eye contact is electric. You want to make sure you're not encroaching on another woman's territory, so lightly make a joke of it: "You're not one of those guys who flirts with women even though he's happily married, are you?" He'll either laugh and say yes, at which point you can continue, if you wish, to stroke his ego with some more innocent flirtation–and don't give in to the temptation to give exchange phone numbers. He's probably just wondering if he's still "got it," since he was willing to be truthful about his status. So be nice, but keep your distance. Or he'll smile and say no, he's not married, and you can further lighten the situation by saying "That's good, I'm not looking for a husband." This tells him you're open to a casual situation if something happens. If he picks up the cue he'll likely ask "What are you looking for, then?" This is your cue to lean in closer to whisper in his ear, so he can feel your hair brush his cheek and catch a whiff of your perfume: "I'll know when I find it." Or look him straight in the eye and brush his hand with your fingers and say "I'm not looking for anything at the moment." The subtextual meaning here is, you're happy to focus your attention on him for the rest of the evening, and/or, you're open to keeping things light-hearted and casual. There are some women who won't take "I'm married" or "I'm seeing someone" for an answer, however, and like to push at people's boundaries. They'll even do this in the presence of the man's partner! It's between you and your partner to decide if the occasional casual (but safe) sexual indiscretion is okay with both of you (we'll have an upcoming article on open relationships coming up soon on Ssssh.com). But what do you do about these predatory bitches who prey on attached men just to see if they can get them to stray? Sadly, this happens a lot. One reason is, there are more unmarried women than men out there. Another reason is, most married men succumb to at least one extra-marital affair, and for men involved in exclusive relationships this may happen even more often...and women who have no problem pursuing attached men know this. I think also that some single women who consistently go after married or attached men do so because they don't want to have a real relationship with someone who is available, because they have issues about intimacy. To them, a married or involved man is "safe." But if you're the woman whose partner is preyed upon in this way, it's frustrating and upsetting. Yet if you react to it, you're seen as insanely jealous or possessive. Don't be fooled; women understand the behavior of other women far better than men do. Don't be afraid to stand your ground and tell the predator to back off. If she was really unaware of your man's relationship status, she may have the good grace to apologize. If not, she may try to make you feel self-conscious by saying she was only innocently flirting. Yeah, right. Give her an icy smile and wish her luck. If she's a friend or acquaintance of yours, you may have to decide whether you have to cut her loose. Women who'd sell out their female friends for a sexual conquest aren't worth your time. My personal take on all this is that we'd all be a whole lot better off if the people who can't seem to be sexually fulfilled with one partner would negotiate open relationships. But our society doesn't really condone this behavior, and it does take a lot of mature and considered effort to maintain such relationships. The much more common problem is that people lose their sexual confidence when they've been involved with one person for a while, and the excitement and passion of being found attractive by a new sex partner helps them feel better about themselves. So this makes them vulnerable to the advances of someone new. I think this is about equally true for both men and women, although men seem to act on it more often (maybe because the consequences for women are more serious, like potential pregnancy, or being responsible for children if the affair breaks up a marriage). Any of us who have seen a relationship break up because of an extramarital affair have seen the anger and betrayal that people feel. Some say that jealousy is all about our own self-esteem, and that if we are hurt by the thought of our partner with someone else in a casual sense, then we aren't confident that they really care about us. But of course what we really fear is that they'll fall in love with the other person and leave us behind. Flirtation can be a safe way of diffusing this sensation, of wanting to be found attractive by someone who is not our partner. The key is not to let it get out of hand. I once had a serious crush on a married man and we flirted with each other quite a bit when we first met. Since we also had a professional relationship, we had lunch together occasionally. One day he leaned forward over the table and said, "How about if we discuss this ongoing flirtation between us?" He smiled but also looked like he was dead serious. I said I thought that was a good idea. He said he found me very attractive, and enjoyed our conversations, but he was married. I responded that I was well aware he was married (he had never tried to hide this) and was not a "home-wrecker" and while I thought he was very attractive, I was far more interested in being his friend than in complicating his life. I thought it was pretty classy of him to bring it up in that way. He was acknowledging the attraction between us, but also making it clear nothing was going to happen. And nothing did. We've had some very intimate conversations and even some continued flirtation occasionally since then, and somehow it's become that much more pleasant to know that our connection is a respectful one, based on friendship and not sex potential. He told me he had once considered having an extramarital affair and did not consider himself a monogamous person at heart, but that he thought it was important to stay faithful to his wife, and I believe he has done that. I think there was some rumor in his workplace for a little while that he and I were more then friends, but our friendship has continued and has never been anything more than platonic, even if our conversations are pretty intense at times. We both "win" in the sense that we realize we're found attractive by someone we also find attractive, but that we also have the maturity and integrity to move beyond that to have a more reasonable relationship. If you're in a relationship, there is no surefire man to keep your man from straying if that is something he wants to do. But you can make it less likely by keeping your sex life energized and, in addition, show him you care for him and find him attractive. (See our upcoming article on keeping the passion in your relationship alive). If you see another woman checking him out, you might want to bring it to his attention. "That redhead is seriously checking you out!" "No, she's not." "Sure she is, and I can see why." "What do you mean?" "You're very handsome, you know." "I am? "Yup, and your butt looks very sexy in those jeans." He'll be grateful to know you find him attractive, and his ego will be pumped because some other woman thought so, too. Just make sure you steer him away from that redhead before she gets the wrong idea. . . . Flirtation is something one can learn to be good at, and it can be fun and exciting and make all involved feel good. It can create some exciting energy and tension between two people who might enter into an intimate relationship, whether it's an unforgettable one-night-stand, or an all-out passionate love affair. But flirting also has the potential to complicate things for those already in relationships. It's possible to flirt innocently, as long as both parties know where they stand. Just be sure to appreciate it for what it is: an opportunity to make someone else feel good about their own attractiveness , and don't use it for your own selfish reasons to stroke your own ego and alleviate boredom. |
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