Dear Renee,

I'm young (19) and my boyfriend is a lot older than me. Sex was fun when we dated but now that we live together (one year so far) it's strange, we have less sex. I think I'm boring him but I don't know what to do. He's not my first but I am not very experienced. I can't talk to him, I'm embarrassed. I don't think I have orgasms but how do I really know. I thought we had a great sex life but now... Anyway, I feel like it's my fault things aren't going well. Can you help me?

Not Normal
PA


Dear Not Normal:

It is PERFECTLY NORMAL for sex to slow down after a period of time - no one can be passionate 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In the beginning of a relationship sex is new and exciting and both partners want to have sex as much as possible. This does not mean that sex between you and your partner is not exciting for him anymore; if anything, he is showing you that he is very comfortable with you and can relax in your presence. Now that you're living together, he knows that you're not going to stop loving him if he doesn't show you his love in a physical way every day; there are many ways to express love and hopefully by now you know that just because someone is having sex with you does not mean that they love you. The fact that he comes home to you every day should be comforting - he wouldn't be there if he didn't want to be. If you have any older, more mature friends, talk to them. I'm sure they'll tell you that having less sex after a period of time is natural. When you and your partner do have sex now it's not just because it is new and different, but rather that you are truly making love. Having sex is just one way of expressing love. The issue of you not being able to talk to your boyfriend is also typical at your age. You must try because he can't read your mind about what pleases you and what you want during sex. At first it will be embarrassing, but you will get more comfortable about it as time goes by. If you can't speak the words, you can direct his hand or mouth where you want it and murmur something such as "that feels good". He will quickly learn what you like and you will have a more enjoyable sex life with him. You say that you are not sure whether or not you have had an orgasm. Orgasms come naturally to men, but are more difficult for women to obtain; this is because for a man an orgasm is a physical reaction, but for women it is just as emotional as physical. Talk to your Gynecologist about this; he will be able to give you some exercises to do to reach an orgasm. I think you also need to improve your self-esteem so that you won't take the attitude that happiness in your relationship is your sole responsibility. Please remember that just because you don't have sex as frequently as you used to, this does not mean that things are not going well in your relationship.