There is a fallacy out there that seems to be getting more and more pervasive by the minute. Apparently, there are men who seem to think that there are two kinds of women in the world: those they are willing to marry, and those they only want to date.
 
What is up with that?
 
I mean, don't most men date the women they end up marrying, before they marry them? (Except maybe in countries where there are still arranged marriages, but then why would they be reading this unless, deep down inside, they want to change the status quo?)
 
Why is a woman who is good enough to date not good enough to marry? Are we talking about her domestic aptitude? Or is it just about sex? Does being a good dating prospect mean you know all sorts of fun places to go and good places to eat? And wouldn't this be desirable in a spouse, too? Does being "dateable" mean you are automatically NOT "marryable?" And who gets to decide? Men? Jeez, when do women get to define themselves for a change?

In the old days (like, in the 1950s), there was this concept of Nice Girls. Nice Girls were the girls you would marry, because they did all the things you would want and expect in a respectable wife.

They did well in school (back then, remember, most women were married by their early twenties), they learned how to cook and clean so their homes resembled one of those sappy women's magazines, they didn't smoke in public or drink to excess, and perhaps most importantly, They Didn't Fool Around Before They Got Married. Hence, the "Nice Girls Don't" fallacy, which has been with us in some form or another since the dawn of time.

Now, you and I both know that there have always been women willing to have premarital sex, even those repressed Victorians and smarmy ‘50s gals. Everyone knew it, too, but you just didn't talk about it. If a woman was unlucky enough to get pregnant as a result of premarital sex, her reputation (and life) could certainly be ruined, but there were plenty of women whose luck allowed them to experiment plenty before they got married. Maybe it was only with one guy, or maybe a few. Once we hit the 60s and the Pill was invented, premarital sex was not only possible, it was encouraged. Suddenly, women could engage in sex every bit as freely and openly as men without fear of unwanted pregnancy (or at least, 99 out of 100 women could live this way).Getting married or engaged was no longer a prerequisite for sex: women had sex for its own sake and could have it as often and as casually as men, if they wanted to. And some women wanted to!
 
And you know, I think men are still reeling from it.
 
But old habits die hard, and even with the sexual permissiveness that became the norm in the ‘60s and ‘70s, there was still this lingering idea that girls who Did It before marriage were slutty. And as silly as it may seem, I still think some of that attitude is with us today, and I think it is reflected in the media: movies, TV and our celebrity obsessions all bear this out. Women are still expected to be less interested in sex than men, and are expected to not be as experienced at it. There is definitely an attraction towards sexually-uninhibited women (remember how every guy had to see the Paris Hilton tapes, boring though they were? And what is this obsession with Angelina Jolie? Okay so she and Brad sounded like tigers mating in the jungle in that hotel one night, big deal!), but the more popular celebs are the "good girls" like Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Anniston (both Brad's exes, hmmm), Drew Barrymore, or Renee Zellweger types. "Bad girls" are the total sexpots like Sharon Stone, Jennifer Tilly, Lucy Liu or Denise Richards. Some women have managed to convey both ends of the spectrum: like Madonna or Annette Bening, both of whom have played the femme fatale and the mommy type, on and off screen.
 
But despite the ridiculous propensity we have for measuring our own lives against those of Hollywood stars, it is true that these stereotypes can be applied to the rest of us, too. Men seem to want women to be all one thing or another, to be simple, not complex. The virgin or the whore. We are either all good, sweetness and light, or we are the devil's mistress. Men want to pigeonhole us and put us in an easily-labelled box, in spite of what they may say about how they love women who are "mysterious."
 
See, the "mystery" thing is the way they see the women they only want to DATE. Mystery means allure, seduction, something dangerous and unknowable. You don't want to marry that. You just want to have it fuck your brains out as often as possible.
 
You want to date us if we are:
 
great in bed
gorgeous in a thong
able to drink you under the table
raunchy on the phone late at night
sophisticated
seductive
uninhibited
spontaneous
willing to try anything
 
You want to marry us if we are:
 
a good cook
pretty in pink
able to wake you before the alarm
willing to make us hot chocolate before bed
down to earth
affectionate
compassionate
dependable
willing to handle anything
 
Here's the thing: one day soon, Mr. Man, you are going to meet a woman who is all of these things in equal measure. Then what are you gonna do?